A trio of hikers in northern California had an uncomfortably close encounter with one of wildlife’s most perplexing creatures earlier this week when they were accosted by a giant, talking log that refused to leave the trail.
“It totally freaked me out,” remarked Jeanine Branson, an avid hiker from the Los Angeles area. “I’ve never seen anything like it!”
Branson, who had been hiking with her husband, Jim, and their golden retriever, Zigfried, initially tried to frighten the creature away, but after several unsuccessful attempts, was forced to run for safety.
“Ziggy and I got away,” Jeanine related, “but Jim’s bum knee gave out and we had to leave him behind.”
The creature is part of a failed California government program, authorized by Gavin Newsom, which was trying to create an alternate-lifestyle mascot which would encourage outdoor activity in the state. Hoping to replace hyper-masculine outdoor icon, Smokey the Bear, Newsom believed LaGBerT the Awkward Log would usher in a new generation of California youth that not only embraced diversity, but also went outside once in a while. Unfortunately, something went terribly wrong.
“We tried to play God,” related Dr. Michael Grant, lead researcher of Project LaGBerT. “And we created a monster.”
Based on project data, the research team injected a sequoia tree with Rosie O’Donnell’s DNA and sprayed it with a super growth formula-consisting of a rich vitamin cocktail, anabolic steroids, and several pounds of Ecstacy- for over a year.
“Then one day we went out to feed it and it was just gone,” Dr. Grant recalls. “We thought maybe it went off and died…but then we started getting the reports.”
Jeanine’s husband did survive the incident, but refused to speak with Loser News, his wife, or his dog at the time of the interview. However, he did tell the police that he’d been released after he gathered a stack of pine cones, gave the creature 50 hugs, and demonstrated how to properly put out a campfire.
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