Loser News

That’s right!  The military industrial complex is at it again, this time enlisting Pete Hegseth as the face of Chevrolet’s newest automotive nightmare, the Chevy Dolt.  The celebrity spokesperson/Secretary of War has even purchased a fleet of the untested all-terrain vehicles for each of the seven military branches, including the Coast Guard which has absolutely no use for them.

“We will be replacing the majority of our MRAPs (Mine Resistant Ambush-Protected vehicles) with these state-of-the-art Chevy Dolts,” Hegseth proclaimed during a promo shoot for the National Museum of Transportation’s September 13th All Chevy Show. “Sure, they don’t provide the armor protection, maneuverability, or firepower of their predecessors, but I’m certain they’ll be a great asset to our fighting soldiers.”

Oshkosh Defense Co., who are currently producing combat vehicles for the military, seemed sideswiped by the Secretary’s remarks.

“He just came out last week and told our people how much he appreciated them and was looking forward to a long, fruitful relationship with our organization,” expressed Nathan Crook, Vice President of Operations for the corporation.

Hegseth could not be reached for comments as, per his voicemail recording, he is “cruising around in my sweet-ass, new corvette”.

President Trump, who ironically also just “acquired” a new Corvette, advised reporters that the purchase was an “integral part of the DoW’s new, amazingly awesome Arsenal of Freedom”.

Per a representative of Chevrolet who preferred to remain anonymous, the Dolt was developed expressly for the U.S. military and based on specific guidelines set forth by Secretary Hegseth, J.D. Vance, and President Trump.

“They weren’t really specific about the drive train or occupancy needs,” he explained.  “They just wanted to make sure it had 6-wheel drive, a mini-fridge, and ran on coal.  Other than that, we had carte blanche.” 

The Dolt, which can travel up to 5 miles per each cubic meter of coal burned, is set to start production later this month, providing the $4.6 trillion government check clears.