Loser News

Researchers from the Mayo Clinic, John’s Hopkins, and Ms. Rhoda’s Beauty College for Troubled Teens have just released findings on a joint research project. The study, titled The Effects of Viscoelastic Polyeurothane Consumption on Transient and Perpetual Anamnesis, was funded by the USDA and sought to find whether eating memory foam actually improves memory.

“It seemed like a no-brainer,” remarked Mick Talmadge, bio-chemist and head of the study. “I mean ‘memory foam’.  There’s got to be a connection, right?”

But after four years and $30 million dollars in research funds, Talmadge and his team were still not able to find a link.  

“We tried couch foam, mattress pads, pillows, and shoe insoles.  Hell, we practically cornered the market on foam for four years, with no results…except, of course, for driving up foam prices.”

The USDA plans to tout the study at their upcoming Don’t Cheat, Eat Meat! rally in DuBuque, Iowa later this summer.

“Sure, we found links between memory foam consumption and morbid obesity,” Talmadge continued, “plus gout, cerebral palsy, turrets syndrome, folluculitis barbae, and rickets, but our research subjects were just as stupid and forgetful at the end of the study as they were at the beginning…although they were all much sicker.”

On a bright note, Talmadge reports that they did prove that eating foam from couch cushions surprisingly does not lead to Cushing’s Disease, a disorder of the pituitary gland.