Loser News

The Trump administration has decided it will no longer authorize intelligence agencies to practice waterboarding to gain information from political prisoner, terrorists, and independent journalists.  Instead, they’ll “treat” deemed enemies of the state to, what they call, Therapeutic Neurofeedbath Treatments.  

“It’s totally different than the very bad, idiotic, inhumane practice of waterboarding,” the President advised reporters at a press conference earlier today.  “Now our frenemies can simply lean back and enjoy an invigorating neurofeedbath while we read from a questionairre.  The treatments continue until they get the right answer.  It’s nothing like waterboarding”

The move is part of the administration’s attempt to soften the image of U.S. intelligence agencies and restore taxpayer confidence in the government. 

In addition to Neurofeedbath, Trump says agencies will be introducing several other interactive information gathering activities, such as; Permanent Pedicure, Week of Wakefullness, Blunt Force Experience, and Voltaic Cerebral Restructuring.

“All of these treatments await our wonderful guests,” the President continued, “at our gorgeous, very lovely Camp Happy Spa in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.”