Loser News

Climate change alarmist, Al Gore, has tipped the $300 million dollar mark for his personal net worth.  That’s up just a tick from the $1.7 million he was worth at the end of his vice-presidency in 2001.  How did he do it?  He lied and we bought it.

Once evicted from the Whitehouse basement in 2001, Gore found odd jobs as an Apple board member, TV network owner, and investment firm co-founder.  But, though these ventures were producing cabbage, he knew if he really wanted to “go green” he’d need to cash in on his dwindling name recognition by paring it with a global catastrophe.

Hence Global Warm…er, Climate Cha…uh, Global Saming, maybe? Anywho, Gore wrote a book and asked some friendly folks in show biz if they’d produce a companion documentary to solidify the mantra of his moralistic manifesto, which was released in 2006 to much adulation, fanfare, and most importantly, cold, hard cash.

Twenty years later, his predictions about glaciers, hurricanes, disasters and even snow levels on Mt. Kilimanjaro (which, per Gore, should now be nonexistent) have all been proven false. But that’s no problem because most people are forgetful or just too busy eking out an existence to keep up on dubiously underreported current events.  In fact, due to Gore’s epic and abject avarice it would still cost you a minimum of $200,000 to book him for a speaking engagement, birthday party, or sensual massage (which, BTW, was not worth the money).

So as we celebrate the success of this moralistic mercenary, we’ll leave you with the self-fulfilling prophecy he preached to global warming deniers two decades ago.

“It’s difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon him not understanding it.”