Loser News

In an impromptu political pivot, previous Democrat California Congressman, Allen Chestburster, has come out of retirement to run as the Republican nominee for U.S. Representative of the 48th District of California.  The decision comes on the heels of  incumbant Darrell Issa’s failure to register as a candidate due to a rare parasitic facial condition.

Chestburster left the political scene in 2016 for personal reasons and an ongoing smear campaign by Sigourney Weaver and her Gorilla Fund primate advocacy group.  

Though Issa is said to be endorsing Jim Desmond, Chestburster believes he will edge out the San Diego County Supervisor in the primaries due to his broad appeal among moderates who are tired of the hyperbole on both sides of the aisle. 

“Californians just want to be left alone to live their lives, support their families, and find viable hosts for the next generation”, he remarked at a town hall meeting in Palm Springs where he now resides.

Along with strong polling among immigrants and Hollywood elites like James Woods and Cuba Goding, Jr., Chestburster has virtually limitless financial support from the Weyland-Yutani Corporation, where he sits on the Board of Directors.