Loser News

BRITTON, Mi-A local amateur lumberjack stumbled upon an amazing find while urinating in the woods near his home.

“I’ve been peeing in those woods for years,” the Michigander related. “Guess I shouldn’t walk while I do it.”

The man, known only as “That Tim Guy”, found several rectangular-trunked trees in a grotto just beyond his property line (where he “oft liked to make water”). It was there he had his Christmas epiphany.

“I thought it was a stroke at first,” Tim continued, “but since I could still remember all the lyrics to Achey Breaky Heart, I figured it’d pass.”

And pass it did. While dragging the lumber onto his own property, he noticed that each tree had an almost checkeresque pattern to its grain. 

“I stood there for hours,” Special T observed, “like I was hypnotized or… really hypnotized or something. Then I knew just what to do.”

He brought the trees into his wife’s sewing room and began slicing them like a loaf of bread with his favorite chainsaw (the one with the duct tape on the handle, not the one with the duct tape on the chain).

“Once I was done, I just stared in awe. As much as I appreciated the beauty of this natural wonder, I simply had to share it with the ones I love…and some of the wife’s friends.”

Thus, he sanded down each wedge with a brick, then coated them with a mixture of linseed oil and love…and deer urine, and sent them off to everyone in his Hello Kitty address book. 

“It was a very special gift,” related his eldest son Zach, “and I don’t own a cutting board. Still, I wish I didn’t know about the deer urine.”