Loser News

Tired of all those baby ducks at the park, on your street, and in your bed? Who isn’t?!? That’s why pioneers of the American military industrial complex, Proctor & Gamble, who brought you flouride toothpaste, disposable diapers, soap operas, and Olestra (Latin for “diarrhea”), are proud to announce Dawn Ultra Duckling Defense Dish Soap.

Ducklings are one of the most dangerous organic compounds known to man, and because they don’t fall under FDA guidelines, there is currently no limit on duckling production.

Fortunately, the good people at Proctor & Gamble, in conjunction with the Josef Mengele Foundation, are dedicated to fighting this worldwide threat. Just dip those pesky ducklings in a bucket of Dawn Ultra Triple-D, watch them dissolve, then pour them down the pooper. It’s as simple as that!

And be sure to try new Spic and Span Ethnic Control Spray to keep those darned Latinos and Spaniards at bay!