Loser News

That’s right all my Hawkins homies and G’s, Stranger Things has called it quits, and the good folks at Loser News have asked the Horgenator for his take on the decade long nostalgia-dive that turned the entertainment world upside-down. So, let’s kick this pig!

Once they killed off the one human that wasn’t a sociopath in Season 1, I figured I’d throw my allegiance over to that smoldering, white-haired Matthew Modine.  I mean, he’s a state champion wrestler and fought in two wars.  But even after he spent his life raising a bald, special needs child, the nerd herd was able to convince her that he’s a bad guy. Then he almost got eaten by one of those Dumbeldormers if you can believe it!

Season 2 was just as bad. Will’s mom hooked up with Samwise Gamgee who got killed by a dog while trying to protect her. Then they all went to a dance, and Joyce smoked cigarettes with Sheriff Fatty McStupid.

I had to skip most of season 3 due to recurring post-episode bladder incidents. But when my wife and urologist finally gave me the green light for Season 4, I almost relapsed because they’d written my favorite character out of the series.

I mean, why would you get rid of a character as awesome as Billy Hargrove? He was the coolest with that steel blue Camaro, kick-awesome hair-do, almost perceptible mustache, and undersized t-shirts, always ready to offer some sage advice to his little sister and her friends. I always thought he and Eleven would get together, but she fell for big-nose Mike because he gave her waffles.

And that Eddie guy? Wasn’t he just a fully-toothed cautionary-tale-version of Dustin? I’m glad he’s dead and all, but those bat things that got him really creeped me out. It cost me nearly $3000 to bat-proof my double-wide?!?

But then Season 5 came along and they found this Pakistani kid hanging up in a lab, who turned into El’s neurological sister from Season 2, totally blowing my mind. Then they killed her off, but not before she made everyone think that El was incinerated when the Upside-Down collapsed.

Long story short, they all got together and killed Henry, who turns out to not even be the real bad guy…which was actually some kind of extra-terrestrial sphincter that just shriveled up when Joyce chopped Henry’s head off. Sure it was a warm moment, but it lacked closure for me.

Then, to wrap it all up, barely tertiary character, Robin, says a bunch of crap on the radio, drinks beer on the roof with her sociopath friends and Steve, and Joyce agrees to be Mrs. Sheriff McStupid. The end.