Loser News

President Trump came out today with plans to use a portion of the funds from the One Big Beautiful Bill to protect American water sources. Roughly one-third of the $46 billion alotted for building the border wall will be used to create barriers between American water and what the President has deemed “very dangerous foreign liquids”.

”Without these Water-Walls innocent people all over this great country could unwittingly be consuming fake waters like l’eau, vahdah, maa’, shui, and mizu,” the President explained. “Even now, hundreds of thousands of people along our southern border are at risk of contracting agua-poisoning.”

He described this “agua” as a liquid similar in composition to water, but with several extra ingredients, such as; cilantro, hot sauce, and a substance known as horchata, which has recently been classified as a Class 1 Controlled Substance by the Food and Drug Administration.

Whitehouse Press Secretary, Karoline Leavitt, describes the border situation as dire. “The Rio Grande River contains both water and agua. It’s only a matter of time before the agua tries to take over. Then it will be too late.”