Loser News

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta will lift a longstanding ban on women serving in combat, according to senior defense officials.

The services have until this May to come up with a plan to implement the changes, which consist of regulations for mandatory armpit hair and stylish new uniforms (as seen at left) to deter incidents of sexual arousal which are so prevalent in close combat situations.

“We certainly want to see this executed responsibly but in a reasonable time frame,”said Zoe Bedell, a former Marine Captain and voice of the lawsuit aimed at getting women on the battlefield. “As long as we have women dying on the battlefield by Spring, I’ll be happy.”

Critics of opening combat positions to women have argued for years that integration during deployments could create distractions. “It’s tough enough living in the field,” remarked Sgt. T. Brososky of the 101st Airborne Division. “Now I’ll have some lady nagging me every time I take a squat in my helmet or drink urine from my canteen cup. Might as well just bring the wife along.”

Advocates and experts say that though women are unlikely to flock to these positions, the policy is still a substantive push toward asexualizing a historically male dominated institution, so that it is more representative of our failing society.