Loser News

For the fifth time in as many days, violent demonstrations broke out in Afghanistan when it was reported that Candace Jean Harrington (age 4) licked page three of The Poky Little Puppy childrens book. It came one day after hundreds of stone-throwing demonstrators scuffled with police during a rally in the provincial capital of eastern Laghman province.

Crowds of people rallied at Kabul University in the capital Tuesday, chanting “death to America” and calling for the pre-schooler to be put on trial.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai demanded justice. “This blasphemy is a crime against our religion and the entire Muslim community,” he shouted, stabbing an elderly woman in the face with the tip of a burning mini American flag. “What this girl has done is inhuman!!”

“I wanted to taste the capatiller,” Harrington advised at a Congressional hearing Tuesday morning.

President Barack Obama called the literature licking an “act of extreme intolerance and bigotry”, but said it did not justify attacking and killing innocent people.

“Still,” he continued, “if that was my kid, I’d lock her in the basement with my mother.”