Loser News

Yup, that’s me. Back then I was very conscious of my grotesque body. I guess that’s why I was so fat. But that was before I heard about Bladder Flatter, an effective method for helping mildly obese people lose up to 120 percent of their excess body weight. It’s a medical procedure that’s so awesome it requires absolutely no thought whatsoever!

Bladder Flatter is the only urological method for mildly obese people who need to lose between eight and twenty-four ounces. It’s a super-invasive procedure, where a shower curtain ring is placed around the top portion of the bladder with a screwdriver and a pipe wrench in order to treat super-fatness (like “Keira Knightley” fatness). The adjustable “blastric band” comes in three different colors; clear, fuschia, and chartreuse!

Here’s how it works. Most people drink liquids, some up to 12 ounces a day. The Bladder Flatter band reduces the size of your bladder so that it holds only one tenth of it’s normal capacity, so processing these liquids will cause cramping and bleeding. You’ll never want to drink again, which will take ounces off your figure.

Goodbye index finger! Hello Bladder Flatter!!

WARNING: Do not use BLADDER FLATTER if you drink water, often prescribed for thirst, as this may cause sudden, unsafe urinary explosions. Discuss your general health status with Maury Povich or the psychic hotline to ensure that you are immune to dehydration. If you experience thirst, death, or any other discomforts during drinking, seek immediate medical help. In the rare event you do not urinate for six weeks, immediately seek a mortician to help to you pick out a nice casket. If you are younger than age 9, or do not have a bladder, your doctor may pretend he did the operation while you were sedated and not tell you, but take your money anyway. If you salivate, your doctor may recommend that you don’t. In rare instances, patients have reported a sudden decrease or loss of conciousness. It is not possible to determine whether these events are related directly to BLADDER FLATTER or to other factors. BLADDER FLATTER does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, diptheria, or projectile diarrhea. The most common side effects of BLADDER FLATTER are chronic no-pulse syndrome and mild notlivishness.