Loser News

Zimbabwean farmer, Gamba Ndlovu writes:

Dear A&E Television,

Recently, I heard of your very popular reality show entitled “Hoarders” and would like to submit my sister, Mdwana, as a contestant.  She has many unnecessary items in her hut which complicate her existence.

Some days ago, I journeyed to her home hoping to borrow some water to revive my yak.  I was very hot and fatigued by the time I arrived, and she offered me a rag to wipe the sweat from my brow.

I protested, saying, “I cannot soil your rag.  You may need it later to wash yourself.”  But she only smiled and produced a second rag from within her domicile.

She then invited me inside to escape the blazing sun, and I was astonished to see that she had not only one, but two squatting boards.  She also had a third sandal, several pieces of colored glass, a plastic spoon, and some string.

I asked her how she could live with so many possessions, but she seemed to not even take notice of her excess. 

Please, aid my sister in her sickness.  I beg you.

    Respectfully,

Gamba