Loser News

Always brush your teeth before bed and eat your carrots, but not after you’ve brushed your teeth, or you’ll get cancer.

Don’t forget to take the delicious lunch I made you so you can trade it for the Pop-Tarts Tommy’s mom sends him to school with because she hates him.

You need to stop doing that thing you do before you go blind or grow hair on your palms.

Always be kind to the people around you, and don’t sleep with your secretary the whore like your father does.

Mommy has a doozy of a cold. That’s why she drinks so much Nyquil. Maybe we should play the Quiet Game so mommy doesn’t have to smack you in your smart mouth!

Grandma’s the reason your father’s such a loser. That’s why we hate both of them.

Don’t forget sun screen.