Loser News

Just like you, I’m trying to come up with a good Bigfoot movie.  Nobody’s done this cinematic theme justice since the eighties, so this morning I graced Ron at the Rear Gate with some of my movie ideas, and he had the nerve to dispute their worth. 

I started with Walking Big, a tragic yet heartwarming tale of acceptance and forgiveness, where a small mountainside village hires a domesticated Sasquatch as a patrol officer.  But after arresting the Mayor’s son, he comes under scrutiny and risks losing not only his career, but his freedom.  It’s like Harry and the Hendersons meets The Departed. 

As awesome as that movie sounds, Ron shoots it down, so I go with my next project, Beauty Parlor Bigfoot.  It’s a tragic yet heartwarming story of acceptance and forgiveness, in which an adolescent male bigfoot is drawn into the hard bitten and intolerant world of cosmetology, triumphing over adversity until they find out…he’s not gay.

Blockbuster, right?!? Well, Ron poo-poo’s that one, too.  So, I pitch Coal Miner’s Sasquatch, No Country For Old Yeti’s, and Fists of Fur (a young Sasquatch is accidentally injected with Bruce Lee’s DNA at a top secret government laboratory), but Ron says that they “just don’t work for him”. 

So, I pull out all the stops.  Rhinestone.  That’s right.  Not a remake, but the original movie, only (and here’s the hook) Stallone is replaced by a CGI’d Bigfoot.  Is that great, or what?!?

Well, evidently it’s “or what” if you’re Ron, who just looks at me with his stuffy “I don’t get it” condescending gaze and goes back to reading his snowmobile magazine. 

So, I maturely advise him that I do not share his views and tell him his truck is stupid.