Loser News

President Trump announced today that he would be changing the names of several government agencies following the perceived success of the revisal (or reversal) of the Departement of Defense to the Department of War.  

“These new names will represent the true purpose of the agencies better than the very bad stupid names they currently have,” he advised. “Therefore, thanks to their tireless efforts during the Covid-19 crisis that they created and unleashed on the public, the CDC will now be known as the CDC&D, the Center for Disease Control & Distribution.”

Additionally, the President says the CIA will now just be known as The Mob, the ATF will change to the Office of Excessive Force (OEF), and the FBI will still be the FBI, but will now be called the Federal Bureau of Intrapment, which will require all English language reference books to modify the current spelling of the word entrapment, because, in his words, “it would be hugely inconvenient and extremely expensive to replace all those jackets.”

Along with the sweeping changes above, the Trump Administration is planning to create an agency that will rename agencies when he thinks of a better name. The Department of Cool Names (DCN) will have a $2 billion annual budget and be headed by Mickey Dolenz of early rock-ternative band The Monkees because “they were a huge influence on the Beatles.”