Loser News

President Trump raised eyebrows today when he signed EO 15201 on this 161st anniversary of General William Tecumseh Sherman’s issuing of Special Field Orders No. 15.  In what he termed a “long overdue payment on a promise to all Americans”, Executive Order 15201 claims to fulfill all obligations set forth in the agreement issued under the authority of, then President, Abraham Lincoln.

“Eight score and one year ago a promise was made to the American people,” Trump remarked at a press conference earlier today.  “And now we are keeping that promise of reparations to African Americans who were forced into very bad involuntary slavery.  God bless America.”

The EO reads, “As per Special Orders No.15, issued January 16, 1865, any American citizen descended from an American slave is entitled to forty-ouncers and a mute.”

CNN White House correspondent, Kaitlan Collins, was quick to challenge the order.  “Don’t you mean forty acres?”

“No, it’s definitely forty-ouncers”, the President responded. “We’ve already talked with the good people at Miller Brewing Company and they are working around the clock to bottle enough Olde English 800 Malt Liquor to correct this very bad, awful mistake.”

The EO states, among other things, that “each citizen affected by the very bad practice of slavery in the U.S. is entitled to eight 40 ouncers”, which is equal to roughly one 40 per generation since the orders were issued.

Other reporters were quick to jump into the fray to rebut the orders’ Mute Clause.

“Ninety percent of the 50 million African Americans in the country can trace their roots back to slavery,” NPR’s Tamara Keith observed.  “Do we even have enough mutes to go around?”

“That’s won’t be a problem,” the President assured.  “I’ve already spoken with our neighbors in Mexico and Canada, and they are willing to loan us as many mutes as we need until we are able to make enough of our own.”

The Administration was ambiguous about their exact plans to “make mutes”, and when it was pointed out that the policy would likely create a future need for reparations to mute Americans who were essentially given to other Americans, the President merely said, “They can worry about that in 2187.”