Loser News

Placerville, CA- The last and greatest hetero-holdout in holistic health has fallen to pressure from the LGBTQ community as proprietors of Smash Street Yoga reluctantly taped a flier for “Queer Yoga” to their window, just to the left of the “No Public Bathrooms” sign.

Owner/Proprietor, Otis Libowitz, received a court order this week from the El Dorado County Civil Court directing the establishment to “offer at least one yoga class per month that specifically serves alternative lifestyle clientele”.

Up until the ruling, Yoga had remained the last bastion of sanctity for California’s floundering gender-normative population.

The plaintiff, Blaine Hammersmith, asserted that the studio’s previous “don’t ask, don’t tell” policies were draconian and didn’t go far enough toward creating a safe space for LGBTQ practitioners.

“We had to go to the same classes and lay on the same sweaty mats as everybody else,” he shouted through tears during his testimony. “Where’s the equality in that?!?”

A town hall meeting was called after the decision, to provide information and hopefully quell any unrest that the legal ruling may have sparked.

Local trucker and yoga enthusiast, Billy Ray Stump, was livid.  “First it was rainbows, then they got marriage. Now them homos gone and took my yoga!”

Chief of Police, Joseph Wren, made it clear that there would be no tolerance for any property damage that resulted from acts of retribution, but did OK several lynchings, provided “they were outside the city limits”.