Loser News

In an exciting new development, researchers have found that the average American brain contains enough microplastics at the time of death to make an entire plastic spoon!

A study published in Nature Medicine on Feb. 3, confirms that tiny plastic fragments are passing through the brain’s protective blood-brain barrier, potentially impacting health and cognitive function.

”That’s nearly fifty percent more than 2016,” noted lead researcher, toxicologist, and Virgo, Matthew Campen. “Now, we can finally do something about the global plastic spoon shortage.”

Both Dixie Consumer Products and Chinet have already begun work on brain mining equipment to harvest brain plastics, or Mind Nuggets, from their decomposing hosts to bolster waning disposable spoon production.

Questionably Native-American Senator, Elizabeth Warren, a member of both subcommitees on Health Care and Taxation, also has plans to capitalize on the findings with a retroactive Plastax.

”Americans have been absorbing these vital components from our environment for decades without compensating the generous corporations for their product,” she explained.  “Therefore, upon their death, every American will be charged $1000 for each microgram of plastic they’ve essentially stolen.”

Proceeds from the tax will be used to fund laser surgeries for Warren and several other aging politicians in the US Senate.