Loser News

OMG, America!!  I almost threw-up in my mouth when Megyn Kelly dropped her latest bombshell!  It seems that J—Ston, not to be confused with J-Lo, J-Law, or Jay-Z, is hooking up with particularly pompous past Presidential player, Barack Obama!!

Evidently, Megan read it on the world wide internet, so you know it’s got to be true.  Plus, what would my angelic angst-filled anchoress have to gain by smearing the reputations of such upstanding Americans?

If Jen wanted to date a hen-pecked egg-head with mother-issues, an unstable ex, and kids you see once a year, she should have just stayed with Ross.  I mean, sure, he’s a little needy, but he has half the baggage Obama does. 

And I wouldn’t want to get on the bad side of Michelle Obama.  I’m pretty sure she’s part Wookie, and a friend of mine who knows the uncle of a guy who spotted her athletic trainer at the gym says she can bench 370 lbs.  That’s almost 4 Aninstons!