Loser News

ATLANTA, U.S.A.- Having lost the war on COVID, CDC officials have now approved new protective devices in the event of nuclear attack.  The N-95 head-covering is made from state-of-the-art magnetized synthetic polypropylene fibers, which gives it plyability and protection in a lightweight, discreet package.

The Nuclear-95 series protects the wearer against 95% of nuclear debris and fallout, and can withstand a direct hit from up to a 15 kiloton warhead.

“Strategic head-coverings are the only way we’re going to win the fight against Russian nukes,” remarked Dr Anthony Fauci to his non-english speaking gardener.  “And the N-95 is the safest and most effective method of countering the nuclear threat facing us today.”

And concerned citizens can keep their four-legged friends protected as well, with the ASPCA approved K-95 head covering, available at finer pet stores!

The N-95, every bit as effective against nukes as they were against Covid.