Loser News

‘MERICA-  Thousands of flabby Americans took to the streets today to boycott Russia’s unprovoked aggression toward its Ukrainian neighbors.  In Omaha, protesters purchased and smashed thousands of bottles of vodka, some of it Russian, until stores ran out and they were forced to smash Jack Daniels bottles to symbolically express their angst.

“Suck on that, Putin!” exclaimed Gus Anderson as he threw a Corona Light bottle through the window of a nearby Chic-Fil-A.  “Maybe now you’ll go back to Russia!!”

In Orem, UT, crowds broke into and looted a number of antique stores in search of Russian Nesting Dolls to smash on local streets, while other concerned citizens set fire to bakeries to keep them from selling Russian Tea Cakes.

In San Francisco, hundreds of community activists and pet-owners converged on the Golden Gate Bridge to hurl Russian Blue cats and kittens into the bay while chanting “No Commie Cats!”