Loser News

For nearly half their lives, Don and Shawna McHugh have been living double-lives as covert agents for the FBI.   The 2 1/2 year-old twins were recruited at Happy Hope Daycare Center in Tucson, AZ, and, once able to to take several steps without falling, infiltrated one of America’s most powerful, yet secretive, organization.  The AARP.

Posing as septuagenarian couple, Fred and Ethel Merman, they were soon privy to detailed information regarding the nefarious operations of this mysterious cabal, which included travel and prescription discounts, special access to Medicare supplement plans, and free will preparation and estate planning.

“They’ve got their hands in everything,” remarked Agent Dick Prigman, the McHugh’s FBI handler.  “Drugs, politics, a 10% discount at Bubba Gump Shrimp.  Who knows how far this goes?!”  

As the McHugh’s were still in diapers, had poor balance, and took a lot of naps, they were able to blend in well within the organization, yet each day still held the possibility of discovery by AARP members.

“They’d ask us how old our grandkids were.  How many surgeries we’ve had.” Don relates.  “You had to stay on your toes.”

Shawna agrees.  “One lady wanted to know which of the Golden Girls I liked best.  I had no idea what she was talking about, so I had to fake a stroke.”

The McHughs are currently in the Witness Protection Program until their new identities come through, or they get their next assignment.