Loser News

Jussie Smollett made the contentious decision to testify on his own behalf in court this week, and it’s a decision he already regrets. “I can’t believe the way they depicted me on the stand,” Smollett remarked regarding courtroom portraits of him during his testimony.  “They completely misrepresented me!”

Until that moment, Smollett had been satisfied with artist’s portrayals of the back of his head and several profile sketches, but when he saw the product of his time on the stand, he became incensed.  “I look like f*&@ing Will Smith in Men in Black!!” he protested loudly just prior to court being adjourned for the day.

Smith, who completed three MIB movies, only to be replaced by smarmy Thor actor, Chris Hemsworth, disagreed with the ex-Empire actor assertion.  “You know the difference between Jussie and me?  I make this look good.”

Brothers Abimbola and Olabingo Osundairo, who allege Smollett paid them to carry out a fake hate crime attack against him, also disputed Smollett’s claim.  “He totally looks like Samuel Jackson in that movie!” exclaimed Olabingo upon seeing the drawing.  “You know, the one with Travolta.”

Smollett, who was 12 at the time Pulp Fiction was released in theaters, had no comment on the movie, but did call the police to report the drawing as a “Slanderous Hate Crime”, after which he wet his pants and threw himself down a flight of stairs.