Loser News

Nearly 40,000 individuals have joined a law suit filed against Ivan Eugene Doroschuk, and his MWH organization.  Lawyers representing plaintiffs diagnosed with SDS say Doroschuk and his compatriots failed to warn the public about the long term effects of “Safety Dancing”.

The Safety Dance originated in Canada in the early 80’s, but was later found to have spread to the United States via radio wave, and infected potentially hundreds of thousands of victims during its time on the charts.

Safety Dance Syndrome has become a virtual pandemic as once fans of the song hit their mid-fifties and began to complain of joint pain and stiffness, particularly in the upper extremities.  Sufferers of the chronic shoulder and elbow malady were initially diagnosed with bursitis, where small fluid sacs that cushion the bone become inflamed.  But as time went on, Doctors began to have their doubts.

“We began to see atrophy in otherwise healthy patients,” remarked Dr. Quincy Foreman, a physician and advocate of the lawsuit.  “First in the wrists, then the elbows, and, ultimately, the shoulders.  Needless to say, my colleagues and I were perplexed.”

But when several plaintiffs attended a meeting with lawyers at Gus Ferguson Middle School in Dayton, OH, Dr. Foreman says it all fell into place.

“All of their arms formed S’s,” he described, “except for one guy who was dyslexic. But that’s when I knew what we were up against.”

Attorneys for Men Without Hats argued that, if the dance was actually a catalyst for the disease, there would be a significantly higher number of people suffering from Ymcalgia and Macareniosis.

Dr. Foreman disagrees.  “The moves from each of those dances are varied and irregular.  The Safety Dance is a repetitive contraction of three specific muscles groups over time.  There’s just no comparison.”