Loser News

OREGON CITY, OR– Wayne Silsbee, a man who spent the last 23 years running from the FBI, walked into the Oregon City Police Department Friday afternoon and turned himself in. The 62-year-old is accused of several sexual assaults in the Clackamas County area.

In spite of the arrest, the case brings to light growing concerns in the effectiveness of the FBI’s Most Wanted program. 

The agency said it issued an arrest warrant for Slisbee on Sept. 19, 1996, but was unable to actually serve it until the portly pedophile waltzed into a police station in the same county as the crimes were allegedly committed a quarter of a century earlier.

“He’s pretty elusive”, observed FBI Special Agent, Rusty Pooter, whose team took Slisbee into custody.  “Our SWAT team executed the warrant in the lobby of the Police Station where he was holed-up.  One of the guys had to nudge Silsbee with his gun to wake him up.  It was pretty dicey.”

Despite Pooter’s assurances, the public still views the program as more a PR campaign than an actual investigative entity; dispensing information through PSA’s and government websites, then passively waiting for tips to roll in. 

Pooter disagrees.  “That’s ridiculous!  Sometimes we sit around the office all day and nobody turns themselves in or calls to say where we can find them.  It can be really frustrating.”

But regardless of the agency’s 30,000 full time employees and nearly 9 billion dollar budget, absconders like Donnie Webb, who murdered a rural Pennsylvania police chief in 1980, remained on the agency’s 10 Most Wanted list until 2007, when he was removed so the agency could add somebody more Most Wanted.

“We got him, though, didn’t we?” Pooter pointed out, alluding to the discovery of Webb’s remains in the backyard of his ex-wife’s Dartmouth, MA home in 2017. “And just ten years after we removed him from the list…which was only 8 years after he died.”