Loser News

CHICAGO-New light was shed on a controversial assault case when brothers Stephen and Alec Baldwin were arrested for assaulting actress Ellen Page at 2:00 am on the same Chicago street as the Jussie Smollett assault.

Smollett, who was previously charged with falsifying a statement in which he claimed he was the target of a hate crime, wept openly while saying he “feels vindicated by the new information”.

Despite his claims, notorious anti-semite Mayor, Rahm Emmanuel, and racist Chicago Police Superintendent, Eddie Johnson, have repeatedly smeared Smolett’s good name, which is actually Justin, through the muddy Windy City streets.

Even with the help of elderly super-sleuths Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, who took time off from evading taxes and committing adultery to give the case a second look, the corrupt apparatus of the Chicago police force kept heaping up “evidence” and “statements” that seemed to cast Smollett’s testimony in a very bad light.

Fortunately, there was another attack.

Page, who is 11 inches shorter and 100 lbs lighter than Smollett was able to fight-off the perpetrators until her production team arrived from down the street, and the two men fled. The diminutive actress was able to give a clear description of the two despite their wearing black hoods.

“It was two of the Baldwin brothers,” Page told responding officers.  “Alec and the blonde one, I think.”

The brothers in crime were later arrested outside of Ditka’s Steakhouse on E. Chestnut after the restaurant manager called police to report that the drunken duo were harassing patrons, and that “the bigger one just pooped in the lobby”.