Loser News

Much as the show’s audience, superstars Bradley Cooper and Lady Ga-Ga fell into a narcoleptic state last night during that height of Hollywood hubris, the 194th Academy Awards (sponsored by Smuckers). While performing the moderately catchy tune “Shallow”, from the third cinematic regurgitation of A Star is Born, the duo began nodding off while singing the lengthy and repetitive “sha-la-la’s” of the song’s chorus.

Ms. Ga-Ga continued for nearly two bars after Cooper, who had been drinking Nyquil and huffing spray paint since 10 o’clock that morning to get into character, leaned his head against hers and began to snore lightly. She then fell into a light, but fitful, sleep until she was awakened by a drop of drool that fell onto her shoulder from Cooper’s beard.

Ever professionals, they were able to pick up where they’d left off and finish the performance. As most of the audience had followed the same pre-event preparations as Cooper, they were none the wiser and actually gave the singers a standing ovation, with the exception of Christian Bale, who’s still convinced he’s Dick Cheney.