Loser News

What began as just another day in the Middle East has now become one for the records. In the midst of rioting over an amateur video depicting Muslim godhead, Allah (no last name), Iraqi national and ISIL member, Huesmamma Bin Daetn, has scored the achievement of a lifetime.

“I can’t believe it!” Bin Daetn exclaimed. “I owe all to Allah.”

The 37 year-old arms runner and khat enthusiast had no idea he was even being considered for such a prize. “I only did it because my friend, Tareq, said I had talent.” Bin Daetn mailed in his entry seven months ago, and says he hasn’t thought about it much since. “Sure, I was curious to see if I would receive praise, but would not have dreamed I would win!”

Global Colororama For Peace is a program instituted by current Swiss United Nations Representative, Jürg Lauber, who says he figured since he enjoyed doing it so much, the rest of the world might, too.

Holiday coloring books and crayons were included in aid packages sent to various countries throughout the world, with what Lauber calls a morot before the häst of world peace.

“Yah, ve decided to have a contest, yah”, he explained. “To see who was det bäst färgbehandlinger in the world!”

And the best fabarglahanderler they found. Bin Daetn says he’s been coloring since he was nine-years old, which is a late start even by second world standards.

“I colored throughout the day and night. When my village was bombed, I colored. When my parents were abducted, I colored. And when my red crayon wore down, I colored..with the blood of infidels!!

And all that coloring paid off. Not only did Bin Daetn receive first-prize in the contest with a work he calls Egg Basket, but he received honorable mention for his efforts on Toy Bears Hanging Balls On Tree.

Along with the status of greatest colorer in the world, Heussmamma will also receive a 20 Dinar gift-certificate to Applebee’s, a 64 pack of Crayola crayons, and an autographed photo of Jürg Lauber coloring in the nude.

“I will hang these in the Mosque tomorrow.” Bin Daetn continued. “Allah be praised.”