Loser News

The president of Princeton University has bowed to societally pampered protesters’ demands and will call for the removal of Woodrow Wilson’s name from campus. Wilson, former President of Princeton and the United States, has had his legacy come under fire for his views on racial discrimination. Reports say Christopher Eisgruber, Princeton’s current president, gave in to activists from the Black Justice League (BJL) after they camped out in his office, pooped on his desk, and raided his mini-fridge on Thursday evening. The group had refused to leave until Wilson’s name was removed from a college and international affairs school, his mural was removed from the dining hall, and his existence was erased from history.

President Obama joined the fray, vowing to vacate Wilson’s entire term and replace Wilson’s presidential photo with one of Pope Francis.

“The specter of Woodrow Wilson’s legacy will no longer plague this nation,” the President told a White House correspondent who was late leaving for lunch. “We will change his name to Willie Wood, and he’ll have been a suburban milk man, and a bad one.”

Obama’s actions would effect the United States in the following ways:

1) The US never joined the League of Nations, which no longer exists.

2) Prohibition will be reversed, and thirteen years of Antihibition will begin immediately.

3) As we were never engaged in the first World War, any WWI veterans buried at Arlington will be exhumed and reburied within the Wounded Knee National Monument, and the World War I Memorial will be replaced with a picture of Pope Francis.

4) The 19th Amendment will be revoked, rescinding women’s voting rights, and putting them back in the kitchen where they belong.

5) Mothers’ Day will be cancelled, which is no biggie since women can’t vote anyway, and

6) The Federal Reserve will no longer not have the misappropriated money that it no longer stores.

The students calling for the removal of Wilson’s name also demanded a “cultural space” only black students can use, so they will never again be subject to discrimination. Demonstrators also insisted that mandatory classes on the “history of marginalized peoples” should be held in a bid to create a better student environment and to promote freedom of choice and expression. They further request that all staff receive “cultural competency training”, so they’ll no longer be able to force their views and beliefs on others.