Loser News

TV host, Bill Maher, says he plans to “go all out” for his birthday this January. The controversial celebrity announced Thursday, that he will celebrate his 60th birthday by having himself aborted in honor of Planned Parenthood’s upcoming 100th anniversary.

“At 240 trimesters,” related Planned Parenthood Vice President of Education, Leslie Kantor, “this will be one of the latest ‘late-term abortions’ we’ve ever done.”

Maher plans to be terminated on January 16 while taping his show by use of standard suction curettage protocols. Producers say the procedure will begin directly following the opening monologue.

“So, I’ll just be sitting at my desk,” Maher told TMZ’s Harvey Levin, “and a vaccum tube will come out of the rafters, suck me up, crushing and pulling me apart in the process, and then a couple of grips will come out and scrape off whatever’s left in my chair with a Hoola-Ho.”

When asked why he would choose the method usually designated for first term abortions, Maher stated that they other ones sounded way more painful.

Planned Parenthood hopes to sell any intact remains of Maher to the fetus recycling company, StemExpress.

“Bill also wants any proceeds to go to the ASPCA,” Ms. Kantor conveyed. “He loves those darned animals almost as much as he hates conservatives.”