Loser News

Escaped murderers, David Sweat and Richard Matt still remain at large despite virtually every police officer in America looking for them.

“It’s like they really don’t want to be found”, observed Officer Blake Turdt of the Dannemoran New York Police Department. “I got an inkling they’re heading either north, or south, or west.”

Officials within the New York state prison system are equally puzzled.

“I figured they’d just come back when they were hungry,” Anthony Annuci, the acting state corrections commissioner, commented earlier this week. “In hindsight, we should have stopped allowing staff to trade tools to violent offenders in return for personal caricatures and family portraits.”

Federal authorities are also seeking the two convicted murderers, and have posted fliers around the northern New York area utilizing state of the art age progression technology to no avail.

FBI Director, James Comey’s, frustration was apparent. “New York’s a really small state, but evidently the closer you get to Canada the lower police hiring standards get.”