Loser News

In an unprecedented presidential move, President Obama laid down his broad-sweeping illegal alien amnesty plan that would potentially legalize millions of Hispanic-Americans that aren’t currently Americans.

“My fellow Americans”, he began, essentially alienating the aliens he intends to integrate, “when I took office, I committed to fixing this immigration problem. Unfortunately, I was super-busy doing Kimmel and playing basketball with Justin Bieber for the first six years of my administration. But now I’m even more committed to fixing this problem with a series of unspecific actions that are destined to make people think that I’m taking this problem very seriously. This is my plan, and mind you I’m just spit-balling here.

“First, we will build on our progress at the border with additional resources for our law enforcement personnel. Even now, my administration is sending Gatorade and Chex Mix to the sporadically placed Border Patrol agents lining our southern borders, replenishing electrolytes, and essentially staunching the flow of new immigrants.

“Secondly, I will make it easier and faster for highly-skilled and educated aliens to stay and contribute to the economy. Those darned Mexicans that landscaped my beach house are miracle workers, and should not be forced to return to Mexico where there are no nice houses to landscape.

“And C, we’ll take steps to deal responsibly with the millions of undocumented immigrants already living in the country. I will personally send each illegal alien a scathing e-mail to let them know how disappointed I am with their behavior…providing there is actually a way to contact them, which has proven super-difficult so far.”

The President ended his address by reflecting on the wisdom of the Bible (New Obama Standard Version). “I believe Jesus himself said that immigration is the highest form of flattery, and if Jesus said it, it’s probably true.”