Loser News

Two days after a Chinese vessel, the SS Tóng Nú Lì, detected an unidentified pulse signal, authorities are still trying to narrow the search for what might be the only remnants of Malaysian FLT 370.

Last weekend, Australian Navy ship, the Ocean Shield, picked up two separate signals in roughly the same area, using high-tech sound detectors borrowed from the US Navy.

“I hope we don’t break any of that crap,” remarked Angus Houston, the Australian head of a joint agency coordinating the search. “We’ll never get our deposit back.”

Captain Mark Matthews of the US Navy held a press conference, ploddingly explaining terms such as sonar and pings to a generally buoyant, but ploddingly ignorant press corps.

“A ‘ping’ doesn’t actually have the hollow metallic thud sound you hear in movies,” he advised, “but actually sounds more like a bird chirping.”

When asked if the sound could have been a bird chirping, Matthews stated, “No, it was definitely a ping.”