Loser News

Authorities are looking for this man in connection with missing Malaysia flight 370, but much like the flight, his whereabouts are unknown.

In the early morning hours of March 8, the flight left Malaysia en route to Beijing, but never arrived, leaving the world to wonder as to its actual final destination.

Copperfield, who was slated to play Las Vegas’ MGM Grand that night was mysteriously 3 minutes late going on stage. Authorities want to know why.

“I saw him pull a quarter out of this guy’s ear once,” remarked FBI Director, James Comey.  “It totally freaked me out.”

The FBI sites numerous incidents of similar behavior by the self-proclaimed “illusionist”, to include walking through the Great Wall of China and causing the Statue of Liberty to vanish.

News organizations have proposed the possibilities of terrorism, alien abduction, and have even gone so far as to suggest mechanical failure, but experts generally disagree.

“I suppose anything’s possible,” observed Peter Graves, who played Captain Oveur’s character in both Airplane movies, “but it’s much more likely that the plane is in another dimension full of magic and unicorns and, perhaps, talking toasters.”

A spokesperson for Copperfield asserts that the magician has just been in the shower for the past twelve days, and will be available to speak with investigators as soon as he’s finished.

“What’s going on with the mayonnaise,” queried President Obama from the Oval Office, where he’s been sequestered for the past three weeks finalizing his NCAA bracket for submission to Congress.