Loser News

Dear Dr. Baddadvaisz,

I’m a thespian and often play characters who wear a lot of make-up. Now my skin is a mess, and I have a new role coming up where I play Marie Antoinette. I’m extremely worried about my close-ups. Any advice?

Sincerely,

J. Depp

Dear Jenny,

Most thespians do not wear a lot of make-up for fear that men will hit on them, which will force them to investigate their true feelings in the event they are attracted to a potential male suitor. As you have not chosen to do so, I must assume you are not attractive.

If you are concerned about the health of your skin, perhaps you should abstain from the use of make-up when you pretend to be this “Mary” person. Like you, many people don’t realize that your skin is a barrier between the outside world and the bones and guts that live inside your body. If you do not treat it correctly, it will fall off and leave you a gruesome creature that can only find work in Tim Burton films.

Break A Leg,

Dr. B