Loser News

Day 58 of the Pelican Bay State Prison hunger strike has come and gone with no sign of closure, or interest from the general public. The strike sparked by maximum security prisoners at the Crescent City based correctional center is said to be an inspiring show of unity across all sociopathic lines. Murderers, rapists, gang-members, and drug lords have graciously taken time from shivving each other to focus their impotent rage upon the cruel society that locked them away for said murders, rapes, etc.

The convicted felons have developed five core demands which, if not met, will leave them extremely hungry. The demands are:

1. End group punishment as a means to address individual inmate rule violations. It is unfair to punish the majority, punitively or financially, for the few hundred who refuse to comply with societal norms.

2. Abolish the practice of rewarding inmates for providing information about fellow prisoners, with better food or release from the SHU. This amounts to “cooperation”, which is wrong because only gimps and snitches cooperate with the pigs. Plus, they should not be able to judge inmates by their tattoos, especially the ones on their faces and necks.

3. Comply with the US Commission on Safety and Abuse in America’s Prisons 2006, established by the VERA Institute of Justice, a non-profit organization with a $25 million dollar annual budget and no actual legal power. Recommendations are as follows:

A) End Conditions of Isolation so that inmates therein may have regular meaningful contact with other rapists/murders, and freedom from extreme physical deprivations, such as no Twinkies.

B) Make Segregation a more productive form of confinement, allowing the socially challenged the opportunity to engage in meaningful self-help treatment, work, education, religious, and other productive activities they chose to ignore prior to their incarceration.

C) End long term solitary confinement, allowing inmates to frolic amongst the general inmate population, that they may receive natural sunlight and free, quality health care like regular people.

4. Provide adequate and nutritious meals including special diet meals, and not only for medical reasons like they do in the Army…and none of those MEREA’s they eat either.

5. Provide more programming and privileges for inmates in Special Housing,to include;

A) More visits with hoochie and the grommets.

B) Be able to keep one shirtless selfy hanging on the wall.

C) Allow a weekly phone call to a religious, vocational, or self-help professional…or hoochie.

D) Allow Moms to mail in two “care” packages a year, annually. Moms, you know what to send.

E) Allow us to buy more stuff from the Canteen instead of paying anything toward our incarceration. Stuff we want for free: Brut, hair nets, Cosmo magazine, scented stationary, and vanilla envelopes.

F) More TV channels, like MTV, MTV 2, Univision, and Nickelodeon.

G) Allow hobby craft items – art paper, colored pens, bolt cutters, watercolors, gun powder, etc., and

H) Allow pull-up/dip bars, epileptical machines, steroids, and pole vaulting equipment on the recreation yard.

Prison officials are said to be taking the inmates’ threats seriously, and have already begun pricing caskets in hopes of getting a group discount.