Loser News

Once again, Al Sharpton spoke out against violence focused on African American youths throughout the country.

“Trayvon was just the beginning”, proclaimed Sharpton at a Phillipino-American “Junk the Pork” rally on Monday. “This evil has saturated the pants of American culture and left a stain on the satin slacks that are these United States, which no amount of the white man’s All-Tempa-Cheer can truly remove!”

He then referenced the shooting of an Australian college baseball player by three Oklahoma youths last week.

“When a white man comes all the way from the other side of the planet to supplant the occupants of the rural south by running through their neighborhoods listening to Garth Brooks on his IPod, something has got to give,” he advised a hot dog vendor on the corner of 3rd and Hampton. “These courageous young men had no choice but to stalk and kill him like a dog in the street.”

He rekindled his righteous rage following a half-hour visit to a nearby port-a-lav.

“And when two Spokane teens are assaulted by a trained Army killer,” Sharpton continued, referring to the late Delbert Benton, an 88 year old WWII veteran, “they must be allowed to defend themselves! Their fists will be swollen for days and they may never get the blood off of their Jordan’s!!”

Sharpton then initiated a four-man march with two homeless men and a stray beagle/lab mix, singing the lyrics to We Shall Overcome to the tune of Flo-Rida’s Shorty Got Low.