Loser News

California students will now have the ability to better manipulate their failing educational system thanks to the blatant stupidity of the state legislature and reprobate governor, Jerry Brown.

The bill allows students to use bathrooms and join athletic teams based on their individual “gender identity”, as opposed to their actual identifiable gender.

Male students across the state are said to be enthusiastically awaiting the measure’s implementation.

“Holy crap,” exclaimed high school sophomore, Arvid Brewington. “Now I can quit band and join the girls’ basketball team, get a scholarship, and shower with college co-eds.”

“I’ll be, like, ‘Sorry miss, I didn’t know this stall was occupado’,” snarked self-defined stoner-chick-in-stoner-dude’s-body, Skitch Blackwell. “This is going to be awesome!”

Female students were more subdued.

“Eewww,” remarked Desert Loma cheer leader, Becca Nunez. “I can’t poop with a boy in the bathroom!”

Teachers are also concerned about potential abuse of the new privileges.

“In our decaying society, short bathroom lines have been the last remaining bastion of masculinity,” observed Fresno middle-school vice principal, Royce Stuckey. “Now we’ve even lost that.”