One hundred and sixteen year old Jiroemon Kimura symbolically renounced his title as world’s oldest man yesterday by dying of pneumonia. The Guinness World Records said Mr. Kimura was crowned the world’s oldest person on December 17, 2012, after the death of Japanese born 115-year-old, Misao Ookawa.
Kimura was born in 1897 and recalls the US bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki with nostalgic sentiment. “It was the day of my 47th birthday. Needless to say, it was one to remember.”
He was asked about the secret to his long life on his 115th birthday.
“I don’t know exactly,” he said, “but I think it has something to do with having an unpronounceable name.”
109 year old great-grandfather, Ghahreman Pardis, immediately claimed the deceased’s title, calling Guiness Book’s Editor-in-Chief, Craig Glenda, at 3:26 AM Eastern Time.
“Holy crap!” Glenda observed after hanging up. “Wait for the the body to cool, you dick.”
Kimura leaves seven children on the brink of death, 14 geriatric grandchildren, 25 elderly great-grandchildren, 15 middle aged great-great-grandchildren, and 6000 millennial great-great-great-great grand children.
Japan has more than 50,000 people who are aged 100 and over, reinforcing the fact that Americans are fat, need more vending machines, and don’t smoke enough.
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