Loser News

Today President Obama confirmed anonymous reports of the possible use of chemical weapons in Syria.

“We are certain of the possibility that either the Syrian Government or insurgent fighters, or quite possibly an unknown faction, has possibly utilized possible chemical weapons against their adversaries, or quite possibly themselves,” the President advised. “In any case, I think it’s safe to assume that hundreds of innocent people have possibly been injured and killed.”

When asked what role the United States would take in the civil conflict, Obama asserted the the US would definitely consider taking possible military action against Assad’s forces, rebel fighters, or anybody else determined to use possible chemical weapons against each other or themselves.

“Possible chemical weapons are possibly the most dangerous threat to the the stability of the entire universe,” Press Secretary, Jay Carney, stated later at a White House press conference.

The Department of Homeland Security released a comprehensive list of possible chemicals which they are, even now, possibly investigating. These include; water, baking soda, feathers, dirt, gazelles, and shrimp.