Loser News

Dear Dr. Baddadvaisz,

I’m a Prepper, and I’ve planned for almost every disaster known to man. The only thing I haven’t figured out is what to do with all the bodies of dead, stupid people that weren’t as prepared as me, so they don’t stink up the world and make us survivors sick. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Rush L.

 

Dear Russell,

It sounds like you have a lot of fun. I think I would like to be a Prepper, too. I know what you mean about getting rid of bodies. No matter how well you plan, it seems they are always found. A good fake car fire is a nice disposal technique. Unfortunately, you can only jam about 8 people in one of today’s “economy” cars.

For mass burials, I have found that a large pond or small lake is adequate. Just keep dumping the dead people in until they start poking out of the water. The bodies will make it difficult to draw drinking water at first, but soon you will grow used to the smell and the fish you catch will have become so large on people meat, that they will sustain your family for many years.

Bon appétit!

Dr. B.