Loser News

That’s right, America. The Ghost Lookers have turned in their ecto-meters for a pair of night vision goggles and a sixer of Red Bull.

After pulling Ted out of Don Knotts’ grave, we promised him we’d take a break from the paranormal, and started tracking that most elusive of species known to mankind, the North American Sasquatch.

Now, most people don’t realize the vast information base and investigative skills that are required to merely pick up a Squatch’s trail, let alone capture one in a burlap sack and beat it unconscious with a stick. That’s why we decided to get Sasquatch expert and Hollywood heart throb, Matthew McConaughey, to join us on our first Squatch Hunt. We picked him up at his grandma’s house in Rexburg, ID, and headed up to Yellowstone park to get a look at one of the world’s most mysterious legends.

As you know, McConaughey has super-bad breath and has that southern drawl thing going on, so we discouraged him from opening his mouth by tazing him. We woke him when we arrived at Yellowstone (after extracting his share of gas money from his sock wallet), and followed him through the gift shop and into the woods. He started moving faster, obviously sensing a Squatch in the area. Just then I got a pebble in my shoe and Neck fell and scraped his neck, and by the time we’d overcome these milestones, McConaughey was nowhere to be seen.

We decided to return to the gift shop and peruse some of the fine wares while we waited for him. Unfortunately, we were asked to leave after I started chasing Horger around the store with rubber headed Indian hatchet doing that whole crazed Indian, lip-slapping “whoo-whoo-whoo” thing. We stood outside for a moment, Ted weeping softly because we didn’t buy him that jackalope figurine, and then decided to head back to the car.

We never did see McConaughey again, but legend has it, on moonless nights, if you’re very quiet, you might see him, dressed in a camouflage unitard, dumping a plastic bag of Pabst Blue Ribbon empties into Ole’ Faithful’s ancient, churning maw.