Loser News

From behind a human shield of strategically placed multicultural children, President Obama addressed an emotionally torn country about the hazards of not following policies put forth by eight year olds.

A visibly indifferent Hinna Zeejah, one of seven Long Island residents who survived Hurricane Sandy, sent a powerful message to the Head of State, saying, “I love my country and I want everyone to be happy and safe. No Guns!”

“She’s right,” President Obama remarked after giving the youngster a high-five, generally reserved for professional athletes and the mentally handicapped. “Keeping our children safe should be our first concern as a society, followed closely by being on Kimmel. This is how we will be judged.”

Along with executive orders to better monitor gun sales and legislation to ban assault rifles, the President invoked mandatory “Happy and Safe” policies for the entire nation, which would make it a felony to take risks or seem gloomy.

“We have already saved over one million children this year by having them aborted,” the President continued. “With tighter gun control measures, we could save hundreds more.”