Loser News

The governing body of the International Celebrity Athletic Association will not appeal the United State Anti-Doping Agency’s findings that William Devane used performance enhancing chemicals, specifically Zotz and Jolt Cola, to gain victories in as many as five Battle of the Network Stars competitions.

Gabe Kaplan, president of the ICAA, said that the group would not pursue an appeal to the Court of Arbitration for Sport. “William Devane has no place in the BNS Hall of Fame! He deserves to be erased from the ledgers of the NSAA (Network Stars Athletic Association).” Kaplan said at a news conference in Geneva. “This is a landmark day for celebrity athletes.”

Battle of the Network Stars organizers can now officially remove Devane’s victories from 1978-1984 from the record books. BNS national director, Gavin MacLeod indicated that they would comply with the NSAA’s decision and will list Suzanne Sommers as the winner of all the events during that time period. “We’ve come too far in the fight against doping to go back to the past,” MacLeod said. “Something like this must never happen again.”

Devane has denied the allegations, but admitted to experimenting with Pop Rocks in the early 70’s. “But that was way before I started competing.”

The actor/sports icon stepped down as the head of the William Devane Fan Club last week, shortly before he was dropped by corporate sponsor, Rosland Capital, who threatened litigation unless he stopped saying his catch phrase, “I even like the feel of gold.”