Loser News

Hi-ho, chums. It’s me, “The Man”. Now, a number of you have contacted me on my cellular telephone or over the World Wide Internet asking how to apply my hassling techniques in your everyday lives. In truth, effective hassling is not just a set  of gimmicks to get people to do what you want. Rather, it is a deep understanding of the subtle issues that divide communities and inspire resentment.

For example, several years ago I established a policy which would disenfranchise the regular workers while promoting the chosen few. This program was called the “Glass Ceiling”. Women especially slammed their estrogen laden heads into this barrier in hopes of shattering the status quo. What they didn’t know was that the “Glass Ceiling” was actually made of a virtually impenetrable plexiglass developed by NASA scientists. Sorry ladies.

Another effective mensch-repression program I initiated was “Operation Jobless Dead-Beat”. Earlier this year, I had one of my undercover hippies go to NYU and play Neil Young’s “Heart of Stone” on his sitar for two hours. Next thing you know; Occupy Wall Street. The week before I’d invested heavily into pup tents, Rasta caps, and Che Guevara t-shirts. I cleaned up. Thanks stupid college kids.

My point is, if you really want to hassle the under privileged, start in your own neighborhood; the rubes next door, your wife’s cousin’s kids, or that table full of lesbians eyeballing you at Denny’s. Find out what makes them tick. Then figure out a way to exploit it.

**This website does not necessarily endorse “The Man” or his opinions in regard to chicks and college kids, but does think the WNBA is detrimental to society.