Loser News

Arlington, VA-Following the traditional laying of the wreath at the Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier, President Obama addressed the nation from Arlinton National Cemetery.

“Veterans: the final frontier (applause). These are the voyages of the armed forces of the United States (applause). Its continuing mission: to explore strange middle eastern cultures (applause), to seek out the Taliban (applause), and to boldly go where no soldiers have gone before (applause). Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale (applause)”, he continued, ” a tale of a fateful trip (applause) that started in the Persian Gulf (applause). Temporary lay-offs (applause), easy credit rip-offs (applause). Come and knock on our door (applause). Take a step that is new (applause). These days are ours (applause)…happy days (applause). Learning from each other (applause), while we do our thing (applause).”

As usual, the President’s words struck the heart of the nation.

“Guys like us,” he said in conclusion, “we had it made (applause).  Those were the days (applause).”