Loser News

It’s not as bad as it sounds…or is it? Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced today that Ellen DeGeneres has been named as a Special Envoy for Global AIDS Awareness. Clinton made the announcement on Tuesday during an address on HIV/AIDS at the National Institutes of Health.

“As many of you know,” the ex-first lady conveyed, “I am against the spread of HIV and have been for several months now, which is why I have called on Ms. DeGeneres. Her valiant struggle with this debilitating disease is an inspiration to us all.”

“I’m honored to have been chosen,” said DeGeneres. “I don’t actually have HIV, but the fight against AIDS is something that has always been close to my heart.”

Also, at the Secretary of State’s request, the talk-show host has reluctantly agreed to pose nude for a calendar with other celebrity victims of HIV, including; Magic Johnson, Jim J. Bullock, and Christopher Reeves.

“Seriously,” Ellen reiterated, “I don’t have AIDS.”

DeGeneres reaches millions through her television program The Ellen DeGeneres Show, she also has 8 million followers on Twitter and 5.8 million Facebook fans, which gives her the ability to reach all victims of this epidemic worldwide, except for the 22.4 million Sub-Saharan African citizens that don’t have access to a TV, computer, or an iPhone.