Loser News

Violence erupted at an Occupy Wallstreet rally in Oakland Wednesday as police released tear gas and smoke grenades into the bovinesque mass of pseudo-hippies, scattering tents, bongos, and granola throughout the streets.

“This is an outrage,” Michael Moore exclaimed from one of his residences. “If I didn’t already have a reservation at Golden Corral tonight, I’d confront this travesty!!”

The heightened tensions equally fueled a rally at the movement’s sister organization, Occupy Walmart.

“Them folks with all the money better give it up,” remarked community activist Lee Jasper Wallace, “else we’re gonna stay here all night eating Doritos and watching Kung Fu Panda on Blueray.”

Participants of Occupy Foxhole, a loosely organized group of militants in Iraq, are more subdued.

“We’d just like to get this crap over with and go home.”